Oh, this is a big one! Can’t you feel that this one’s a big one?

Whether it’s the new year, or just a regular day, during your average week, you may feel the pressure to please those around you. Granted, the new year accelerates and exaggerates this feeling, but many of us feel this pressure with or without the year. Let’s review some steps you can take to overcome the need to please everyone, and how to avoid feeling guilty or ashamed for not keeping up with the demands of everyone around you and feeling responsible for keeping them all happy - all the time. 

What is Guilt?

Before we get into how to mend the feelings of needing to please everyone we care about and beyond, let’s first explore what guilt is and where it comes from. 

Guilt is a feeling that arises when we go against our own ethics, or moral codes. When we don’t do something or say something true to ourselves. Guilt highlights our values for us, and the alarms go off when we feel like we didn't act accordingly. 

What is Shame?

Shame on the other hand, can be seen as a more personal feeling. It’s a reflection on our very nature, on our ego selves. Shame tells us we aren’t worthy, kind, considerate or as [insert positive projection here] as others. Shame makes us feel bad for who we are. 

Both shame and guilt have the power to run extremely deep. 

Both shame and guilt can also be tools we use to put other people’s needs before our own needs. But, some of the questions we need to ask ourselves during moments of guilt and shame are, ‘what am I doing to take care of myself?’, ‘what are my limitations and where are my boundaries?’

It takes courage to take care of oneself. It takes courage to say ‘no’ to things you either don’t feel comfortable with, or to things/people who are too demanding. But when we don’t have clear boundaries for what we are capable of, what we are willing to do for ourselves and for others, then our guilt and shame like to step in, to put us down for what we may have done or have not done. 

What is the Reality of What Each of Us Are Capable of ‘Controlling?’

For those of us who tend to have a perfectionistic outlook on what we should be doing, we struggle, yes, struggle, to make everyone around us satisfied. It’s a struggle, because it’s not a realistic goal. This means we’re forever fighting for people’s approval, acceptance, or ‘happiness.’ 

We can not realistically control how everyone feels around us. What we can control is how we feel, the kind words we tell ourselves and others, and drawing the line for our own boundaries and limitations. We can control pleasing ourselves and doing our best to take care of ourselves, our responsibilities and even those around us who we care about. But what we can’t control is the way other people feel, or how others may react to the things we do or say. And when we release that need for control, and let go of the possibility of pleasing everyone, then in all likelihood, we experience a lot less guilt and shame. You see where we’re going with this? 

Ask yourself why you want to please everyone around you? Explore where that need comes from. Sit with that question for a few days. And then ask yourself where you need to draw the line to feel like you can take care of yourself and help others when they reach out to you. But give yourself permission to take care of yourself and don’t be afraid of your boundaries.

Frustrated with you boundaries being crossed? Click here to prepare for the next time your boundaries are crossed with a FREE "Boundaries Plan" to help you confidently maintain healthy boundaries with less guilt.

More Blog Post’s you’ll Enjoy

What is the Root Cause of People Pleasing?

How to Build the Confidence to Trust Yourself More

Relatable Podcast Episodes you’ll Enjoy from: It Didn’t Break Me Podcast

Breaking Free from Approval Addiction with Kimberly Valerie

Choosing to put Yourself First with Martha Mok

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