I always say that perfectionism is not who we are, it’s just something that some of us struggle with in different areas of our lives. We feel the need to be perfect in some way. It doesn’t necessarily mean we aim to be the perfect person, but it can come up in specific areas. After speaking with many of my clients, I’ve come to notice that there seems to be perfectionism creeping up in many people’s sex life. 

But of course it does! Perfectionism is about performance and for some, sex is a performance. How ‘good’ you are in bed, if it felt good, etc. That's really about how we performed. I’ve been helping a lot of my clients really connect to their bodies, and deconstructing the belief that they have to perform sexually. Because guess what? When you’re only focused on your sexual performance then you become anxious and you dont even enjoy sex. 

Through my research, I realized there’s lots of discussion around perfectionism and sex. Perfectionism partnered with sex can appear in many different areas. 

It can appear in: 

1. Partner-related sexual performance: In this case, we’re focusing on the partner and on how much they’re enjoying the sex. 

2. Self-orientated perfectionism: Then there is self-orientated perfectionism, thinking you have to perform a certain way in order for you to perform sex well. 

3. Partner-perscirbed perfectionism: which is when your partner is pressuring you to perform a certain way sexually. 

4. Socially perscribe perfectionism: which is how the world and society expects you to perform sexually. 

Here’s a link on where you can do more research about this topic. 

If you’re more focused on the performance, or what people or your partner expects, then you’re not able to truly enjoy it. You’re focused on having the perfect sex and not necessarily enjoying the moment, your body and the potential connection and pleasure of it. 

I find that after specifically working with women, many of them may not be connected to their bodies or see themselves as a sexual being. In such cases, I suggest to my clients to try and shift their mode, by being more intentional and connecting to their body. They can do this by appreciating their body in the shower, and by saying what they enjoy out loud to themselves about their body. I suggest they learn how to love touching their bodies, taking the time when they're in the shower, when they're soaking up their bodies or while they’re putting on some lotion. 

It’s really just about connecting to your body more and saying out loud the things you enjoy about your body. I always recommend doing more work and discovery about what it means to be a sexual being and, looking up what it means to be a sexual being as a woman. I highly recommend reading the book, Come As You Are, to help with knowing your body and your sexuality. 

I beleive it’sl about becoming more aware when you’re in your head, or feeling anxious and explore those reasons why you may have anxiety around sex. And lastly, I often suggest for my clients to talk to their partners about any anxiety, fear or discomfort they may have. Talk to your partner about any anxiety you may have about the need to perform, this can really help with any perfectionism when it comes to sex. 

Why all this? Well, because your worth is not all wrapped up in your sexual performance and, it’s healthy for you to be able to see that and talk to your partner about that. I want you to be able to unload that sort of pressure you may be putting on yourself. Just imagine, after unloading all this pressure, how much more you’ll be able to enjoy and take pleasure in sex, which you 100% deserve. 

Ready to start identify and understand perfectionism so that you can take back your life, successfully manage and put a cap on the language of not enough? Click here to grab your copy of my e-book: You’re Enough: Letting Go the Pressure to be Perfect.

More Blog Post’s you’ll Enjoy

Overcoming Perfectionism by Letting go of Procrastination

Overcoming the Belief I am A Failure

Three Ways to Overcome Overthinking

Relatable Podcast Episodes you’ll Enjoy from: It Didn’t Break Me Podcast

Breaking Free from Approval Addiction with Kimberly Valerie

Choosing to put Yourself First with Martha Mok

Connect With Bianca Hughes

Follow the “It Didn’t Break Me Podcast” on your favourite podcast player

Sign up to the newsletter (I provide tips and insights on overcoming perfectionism so you can embrace your imperfections and authentically be you together with my day to experiences of discovering the beauty within the mess).

Instagram: @authenticallybeyou (I am active here the most 🙂)

LinkedIn: Bianca Hughes

Pinterest: @authenticallybeyou