I want to talk about people pleasing in a way that might be shocking or even in a way you initially might not like. When I have a client who struggles with people pleasing, people who want to help others, I challenge them by saying “ the need to please others is self centered”. I say this because I am looking at why they might people please and what they want to get out of helping others.
When you’re so wrapped up in people pleasing, you almost always push your own boundaries to help others, which often leaves you feeling burnt out. However, when you help others you also feel good about yourself and start to use it as a way to measure your worth. When you get into people pleasing you make the connection that the more I please others, the more I feel good about myself, i.e. the worthier I feel; The more I make everyone happy, the happier I’ll feel and the better I’ll feel about myself - Hence why people pleasing can be seen as self-centered.
I want you to know this, whenever there's an element of self-centeredness, it’s actually more about safety. You tend to want this sense of safety to feel okay and feel good about yourself. A lot of times you get into people pleasing because you feel safe when you’re making others feel happy, and happy with you. When you are by yourself, you might not necessarily feel safe with who you are as a person. If this resonates with you, how about looking at other ways in which you can make yourself feel safe, in the same ways you might do that for others?
When you’re caught in people pleasing, you consistently cross your boundaries, which shows you don't feel good about yourself. You try to help others as a way to feel better about yourself. And let’s be honest, when we don't feel good about ourselves, it’s a lot easier to run around and help others than to sit with the discomfort of how we are actually feeling.
What do you do with that?
You know how to help yourself, because you know how to people please. If you know how to help others, then you certainly have the resources and imagination for how to help yourself. Here’s how I want to challenge you. I want you to use all the skills and resources you channel to help others to help yourself. Sit in your discomfort, hear the thoughts you have about yourself and then decide if you want to change things.
When you sit with yourself, you may hear some self deprecating thoughts like:
I’m so stupid
I’m such a loser
No one likes me…
Begin to ask yourself, does this make me feel good and why am I talking to myself in this way?
Then, if you're someone who extends your yes’s to others, how about extending those yes’s to yourself? Yes to taking a break, yes to finishing work early, yes to going on that trip, yes to taking that nap. You have the ability and skills to take care of yourself. You’re just going to turn that people pleasing default around to help you help yourself.
Frustrated with you boundaries being crossed? Click here to prepare for the next time your boundaries are crossed with a FREE "Boundaries Plan" to help you confidently maintain healthy boundaries with less guilt.
More Blog Post’s you’ll Enjoy
How to Move Beyond Shame and Guilt
How to Create Healthy Boundaries for Yourself
Relatable Podcast Episodes you’ll Enjoy from: It Didn’t Break Me Podcast
Breaking Free from Approval Addiction with Kimberly Valerie
Choosing to put Yourself First with Martha Mok
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