Why We Feel the Need to Control?
Do you consider yourself to be a controlling person?
Have you ever taken the time to consider where this need for control stems from? In our books, the need to control is a way of protecting yourself. Shocking huh? Take a moment to take it in. Now, after taking a few deep breaths, let’s explore this possibility and then you can decide if it resonates with you.
What are the Deeper Feelings Behind Our Urge to Control?
After working on myself and working with my clients I have discovered that control, for many of us, is a shield, guarding us from those scarier feelings like shame, embarrassment, worthlessness and so on. We can also awaken our need to control in order to protect our own sense of peace or peace of mind.
If this resonates with you, you may be asking yourself, ‘yeah, well, now what?’
First Steps to Unpacking Our Controlling Feelings
First, know that you’re not alone when it comes to these feelings. I feel it, many of my clients feel it and quite possibly, many of your friends and colleagues feel it too.
We first need to start off by acquiring a different perspective and gaining a sort of mind shift. We can start by acknowledging that not letting go and not asking for help, that's about control, because we want the results to be a certain way and we don't want to experience when things go wrong.
But why focus on the results and overlook the entire process? Yes, you may want things to turn out a certain way but is it worth all the stress and work you may be overloading yourself worth? These are some questions that require a little foresight, but are nonetheless important questions to ask yourself.
When clients come to me and try to unpack their need to control, I start off by asking them to be more compassionate with themselves. And then, I encourage them to be more curious about their behavior.
When we think about control we think that we want to handle all the tasks, that we want to do things right and we convince ourselves that we can’t delegate because we want things done in a certain way. But where does this behavior stem from?
Here’s the thing, we've had experiences where we didn’t accomplish certain things in the right way or, we were ashamed or ridiculed for getting something wrong, and ready for it? We just hold that pain and shame so deeply, that we never want to experience anything like that again.
We internally vow to ourselves something like: I never want to experience that again so I'm going to do everything I can to do everything right.
And there you have it, we begin to use control as a technique for protecting ourselves from the shame and the embarrassment that we had experienced, or witnessed in the past.
Takeaway
So, if you've ever been told that you're controlling or you feel that you're controlling, get compassionate and get curious. Ask yourself: what am I trying to protect myself from? What am I holding on to? If I'm not asking for help, if I'm not delegating, then what am I trying to do? Write it out, or speak to someone you trust. Explore those hidden corners within and slowly you may learn to release some old fears you never knew you were harnessing.
Get curious about what you may be protecting yourself from. Ask yourself if you’re protecting yourself from a past wound, feelings of shame, embarrassment, of feeling inadequate. Don't judge yourself, just breathe and consider, maybe this isn't really about control but about protecting yourself.
If you have any thoughts or questions, please reach out, I'd love to hear from you, and offer any feedback if desired.
More Blog Post’s you’ll Enjoy
Tips on How to Let Go of The Need to Control
Overcoming the Belief I am A Failure
How to Move Beyond Shame and Guilt
Relatable Podcast Episodes you’ll Enjoy from: It Didn’t Break Me Podcast
Breaking Free from Approval Addiction with Kimberly Valerie
"Embracing the And" with Faith Broussard Cade
Releasing Control When You Have No Control with Jessica Stephens
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