Our past has shaped the person who we are today. Most of us have experienced some sort of trauma, or challenging relationships which have thrown us into deep rooted feelings of guilt or shame. For some of us, this recurring shame and guilt has taken a strong hold over our personalities and behaviours. 

Though we know it’s not realistic to feel pleasant emotions all the time, hour-to-hour, we do believe it’s invaluable to break negative behavioural patterns. For many of us, guilt and shame slip into almost all of our relationships and have dictated for far too long the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of what we do. In this article we’ll explore some very practical and useful techniques to heal some parts of our past patterns, in order to heal who we are today for a better present and future. 

Defining and recognising guilt and shame

Guilt can feel something like, “when I let my friend down I felt guilty.” In other words, “what I did was not okay.”

Shame expresses itself in many ways and is unique to each of our personal experiences. For instance, thought patterns like, “I am a bad person for letting my friend down.” In other words, “I am a bad person because of my actions.”

First moments of realisation

There comes a moment in many people’s lives when they realise they are not living a fulfilling life, a life they know they deserve and want. Most of us get caught in negative thought or behavioural patterns and feel overwhelmed, without knowing how to unravel and undo such patterns. Guilt and shame have the power to wear down our self confidence. We start harping on past mistakes or behaviours and find it difficult to move beyond these feelings. 

First we must learn to break this polar way of thinking and behaving, that right-wrong chain. Because very often, our guilt and shame creep up because we doubt whether we have done the ‘right’ thing. 

You first need to acknowledge that chances are, you’re not a ‘bad’ person and, if you’re reading this, you probably have painfully high expectations of yourself and how you believe you ‘should be.’ Notice how many of these terms we had to put into quotation marks? That’s because most of these constructs are man-made. There are accessible solutions on how to change these negative-thought patterns. 

Ask yourself why you did what you did that led to the guilt or shame

Chances are, there’s a very legitimate reason for what you said or did at the time. Say for instance you screamed at someone, have been avoiding someone, or said no to someone. Right? These are everyday experiences. Instead of burying yourself in shame and guilt over those behaviours and doubting whether you did the right thing, why not ask yourself why you behaved the way you did?

Did you scream because someone made you feel unheard? Because you weren't feeling safe? Have you been avoiding that person because you feel the relationship isn't good for you, but you haven't figured out the best way to separate yourself from such a person? Did you say no because you couldn't do the favour that person was asking of you? Or because you’re not feeling your best self right now and it’s hard for you to even do the smallest favours for others? 

When you take a closer look at the way you behaved, you most likely had a very good reason for acting that way. You were protecting yourself, or taking care of yourself as best you could. Was there a ‘better’ way you could have communicated or behaved at the time? Maybe. If there is a way you feel you should have behaved, visualise that behaviour and try to understand why you didn't respond in that way, and how you could respond in that way in the future. 

You don't need to Punish yourself for your mistakes

Because our society is built on this right-wrong construct, we often tell ourselves we need to be punished for the ‘wrong’ which we have committed. We punish ourselves with guilt and shame. Let’s say for example you said something hurtful to someone you care about, and then in retrospect, felt shame and guilt for what you said or did. 

Isn't it only natural that we all make mistakes? 

We need to learn to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, because we’ve all made mistakes. And if you’re willing to forgive others, then you need to give yourself a similar act of kindness. 

Forgiveness is essential if we want to have healthy relationships - with ourselves and with others. Just as we forgive others, and want to be forgiven by others when we’ve done something potentially hurtful, we also need to forgive ourselves for whatever ‘crime’ we feel we may have committed. 

Focus on Where You are Today

Looking into the recent or distant past, in most cases, can feel very overwhelming - almost paralyzing. Start with where you are today and accept that what you may have said or done in the past was as close to your truth as you were capable of then, in that moment or time. Accept that what you may have said or done was to the best of your ability. And finally accept that all that you can do is act in the present moment and can’t undo what has been said or done in the past. 

Guilt and shame are antagonists to feelings of self-love and self-compassion. When you recognize the feelings creeping up, why not provide compassion and love to yourself - some more cozy emotions to fuel up on? Providing yourself with more understanding and compassion will help you harness more pleasant emotions and feelings towards yourself and others. 

Just know this: you have the power to feel great. You are a compassionate and loving person. Trust that you do know what’s best for you and that you can take care of yourself and treat others with a loving kindness to the best of your ability. 

How do you overcome feelings of guilt or shame? What has helped you in the past that you believe, can help others who may be suffering from recurring feelings of guilt or shame?

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